I get this question more than almost any other in my coaching practice: “Jenna, should I buy What Men Secretly Want or His Secret Obsession? They look almost the same.”
It is easy to see why. Both programs are created by the same relationship coach, James Bauer. Both target the same core audience — women who want to understand men more deeply and build a relationship that actually lasts. Both are sold at roughly the same price, both come with a 60-day guarantee, and both have accumulated thousands of positive reviews. On the surface, the decision feels almost arbitrary.
But they are not the same program. They were built around two distinct psychological frameworks, they teach different skills, and they are genuinely better suited to different situations. Once you understand the difference between the Respect Principle and the Hero Instinct, the choice becomes much clearer.
I have studied both programs in depth and I have seen how women apply them in practice. In this comparison, I am going to walk you through exactly what each program teaches, who it is best for, how they relate to each other, and which one I would recommend you start with based on where you are right now. By the end, you will have a clear, confident answer — not just “whichever is more popular.”
TL;DR
| What Men Secretly Want | His Secret Obsession | |
|---|---|---|
| Creator | James Bauer | James Bauer |
| Core Concept | The Respect Principle — men need to feel respected and admired | The Hero Instinct — men need to feel needed, purposeful, and heroic |
| Format | 137-page PDF ebook + MP3 audio + bonuses | 217-page PDF ebook + full audiobook + bonuses |
| Primary Use Case | Building a communication foundation; early-stage attraction | Triggering deep commitment; reigniting; ex-back reconnection |
| Price | ~$47 | ~$47 |
| Guarantee | 60-day money-back | 60-day money-back |
| Our Pick | Best conceptual foundation; excellent starting point | Best for specific scripted tools and commitment-triggering |
What Men Secretly Want vs His Secret Obsession: The Quick Answer
If you are genuinely trying to choose between these two programs right now, here is my straight answer:
Start with What Men Secretly Want if you want the clearest, most foundational explanation of why men pull away and what they actually need emotionally. The Respect Principle it teaches is one of the most practically useful frameworks I have seen for day-to-day communication in relationships — it reframes how you interact with a man in a way that almost immediately changes how he responds to you.
Start with His Secret Obsession if you want specific tools and scripted phrases you can use right away, particularly in situations where a man is emotionally withdrawn, you are trying to rebuild attraction after a rough patch, or you want to deepen commitment in an established relationship. His Secret Obsession is a broader program with more content, more tactical depth, and a higher active buyer base — its ClickBank gravity of approximately 54.8 vs. What Men Secretly Want’s 10.8 reflects years of consistent sales volume.
The nuanced answer: these programs do not compete with each other. They are designed by the same person to address adjacent psychological needs. Many women who get real results use both together. But if you have a budget for one program right now, the rest of this article will help you figure out which is the right call.
For a deep dive specifically on the WMSW program, read our full What Men Secretly Want review.
At-a-Glance Comparison Table
| Feature | What Men Secretly Want | His Secret Obsession |
|---|---|---|
| Core Framework | Respect Principle | Hero Instinct |
| Psychological Focus | Men’s need for admiration and respect | Men’s need to feel needed, purposeful, heroic |
| Format | 137-page ebook (PDF) + MP3 audio | 217-page ebook + audiobook + workbook |
| Bonus Materials | Bonus ebook (“The Art of Intrigue”) | Multiple modules including Ex-Back Signal |
| Scripted Phrases? | Limited — concept-focused | Extensive — word-for-word scripts included |
| Depth of Content | Focused and concise | Broader and more layered |
| ClickBank Gravity | ~10.8 | ~54.8 |
| Price | ~$47 | ~$47 |
| Guarantee | 60-day ClickBank | 60-day ClickBank |
| Best For | Communication shifts; understanding male psychology | Commitment, deep attraction, reconnection |
| Verdict | Excellent foundation | Best overall toolkit |
What Men Secretly Want Review — The Respect Principle Framework
What Men Secretly Want, sometimes marketed under the brand name “Be Irresistible,” is James Bauer’s original program and the starting point of his relationship coaching philosophy. It is built around one central insight: men’s deepest emotional need in a relationship is not to be loved — it is to be respected.
That distinction sounds subtle, but in practice it is enormous. Women are often taught that the key to a man’s heart is emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and expressions of love. All of that matters — but Bauer argues that it misses something critical. A man who does not feel respected by the woman he is with will emotionally withdraw, grow distant, or eventually leave — even if he knows she loves him. Understanding this is the core unlock.
What the Program Teaches
The program is structured as a 137-page ebook with nine chapters, delivered as a PDF with an accompanying MP3 audio version. The content covers:
- The foundational research behind why respect registers differently in men than in women (drawing on studies into male emotional psychology)
- Common communication patterns women use that unintentionally signal disrespect — and how to shift them
- How to express admiration and appreciation in ways that actually land with men
- How to build emotional intimacy with a man through the lens of respect rather than vulnerability-pressure
- Fourteen attraction “secrets” that apply the Respect Principle in day-to-day relationship interactions
- How to communicate needs and set limits in ways that do not trigger a man’s withdrawal reflex
The program also includes a bonus ebook that covers how to build intrigue and keep a man genuinely interested over time. The overall tone is practical and grounded — Bauer is not selling magic scripts here. He is giving you a framework to understand male psychology and adjust your approach accordingly.
Format and Accessibility
At 137 pages, What Men Secretly Want is more concise than His Secret Obsession. Some women prefer this — you can read it in an afternoon and immediately start applying the concepts. Others who prefer more depth and tactical tools may find it feels like a foundation without enough of the “what to do next” layer built on top.
The MP3 audio version makes it accessible for women who prefer to absorb information while commuting or doing other tasks, which I appreciate as a practical design choice.
Price and Guarantee
What Men Secretly Want is priced at approximately $47, sold through ClickBank. Like all ClickBank products, it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee — if you decide it is not right for you within 60 days of purchase, you can get a full refund, no questions asked.
For pricing details and whether discounts are available, see our What Men Secretly Want pricing breakdown.
His Secret Obsession Review — The Hero Instinct Framework
His Secret Obsession is James Bauer’s second and more advanced program. It builds on the philosophical foundation of What Men Secretly Want but introduces a distinct — and more specific — psychological concept: the Hero Instinct.
The Hero Instinct is Bauer’s term for a deep biological and psychological drive in men to feel needed, to feel like they are providing something meaningful to the people they care about, and specifically to feel like a protector and hero in the eyes of the woman they love. Bauer argues this drive is not a quirk or a cultural artifact — it is wired into male psychology, and when it is not activated, men drift emotionally even from relationships they value.
What the Program Teaches
His Secret Obsession is a larger program than What Men Secretly Want: it runs to approximately 217 pages, includes a full audiobook, and covers a broad range of scenarios. Key components include:
- A detailed explanation of the Hero Instinct concept and how it differs from simply “making a man feel good”
- Specific “secret signal” communication tools, including word-for-word scripted phrases designed to activate the Hero Instinct in different relationship contexts
- The Glimpse Phrase — a technique for creating emotional tension and curiosity
- The Fascination Signal — a communication approach designed to hold a man’s focus and deepen his emotional investment
- The Ex-Back Signal — a specific module for women looking to reconnect with an ex
- Guidance on texting, in-person communication, and long-distance relationship maintenance
- A workbook component to apply concepts to your specific relationship situation
The scripted-phrase library is the most significant difference between this program and What Men Secretly Want. Where WMSW gives you a framework and expects you to translate it into your own communication style, HSO gives you actual scripts and signals — specific things to say, text, or do — organized by situation. For women who want to move from understanding to action quickly, this is a meaningful advantage.
ClickBank Gravity
His Secret Obsession’s ClickBank gravity of approximately 54.8 is one of the highest in the entire Marriage and Relationships category. For context, gravity reflects the number of sellers making active sales — a higher number means more consistent buyer demand and more real-world validation from the marketplace. What Men Secretly Want’s gravity of approximately 10.8 is solid but significantly lower, reflecting its smaller (though still meaningful) audience.
Price and Guarantee
His Secret Obsession is priced at approximately $47, also sold through ClickBank with the same 60-day money-back guarantee. For a deeper look at HSO, see our full His Secret Obsession review.
James Bauer What Men Secretly Want — Why the Same Creator Matters
One of the most interesting things about this comparison is that both programs come from the same person. Understanding James Bauer’s philosophy helps you understand how the two programs relate to each other — and why they are complementary rather than contradictory.
Bauer began with What Men Secretly Want as his foundational answer to a question he heard constantly from female clients: Why do men pull away even when things seem to be going well? His answer was the Respect Principle — a framework that identified respect and admiration as the emotional nutrients men need most in a relationship, and that showed women how common patterns of communication were inadvertently starving men of those nutrients.
His Secret Obsession took that foundation further. After years of applying the Respect Principle framework with clients, Bauer developed a more specific and actionable concept — the Hero Instinct — that addressed not just the day-to-day communication layer but the deeper psychological activation that drives sustained male emotional investment. He added scripted tools, specific phrase sequences, and a broader situational toolkit to help women move from understanding the principle to deploying specific techniques.
Think of it this way: What Men Secretly Want gives you the theory of what men need. His Secret Obsession gives you the practice — specific moves to make, specific things to say, specific signals to send. Neither program contradicts the other. They were designed by the same mind to operate at different levels of the same framework.
This is why I tell clients who are debating between them: the real question is not “which is better” but “which layer do I need right now?”
If you are curious whether What Men Secretly Want’s claims hold up to scrutiny, our WMSW scam or legit investigation addresses that directly.
Start with What Men Secretly Want — backed by a 60-day money-back guarantee
When to Choose What Men Secretly Want
What Men Secretly Want is the right choice first in these specific situations:
You want to understand the “why” before the “what to do.” Some women are naturally conceptual learners — they need to fully understand the underlying principle before they can apply tactics effectively. What Men Secretly Want is a better match for this learning style because it builds from the foundation up. His Secret Obsession gives you scripts, but scripts without conceptual understanding are harder to adapt when your situation does not match the example perfectly.
You are early in a relationship and want to build the right dynamic from the start. The Respect Principle gives you a communication framework that shapes how you interact with a man from the first weeks of dating. Applying it early prevents many of the patterns that cause men to withdraw — which means you spend less time later trying to reverse damage. For new relationships, starting with the conceptual foundation of What Men Secretly Want is a smart investment.
You feel like communication breakdowns are your core issue. If your man is not pulling away dramatically but you sense that something in the day-to-day texture of your communication is eroding the connection — small moments of dismissiveness, patterns of criticism, the way you express frustration — the Respect Principle speaks directly to that. It is a communication overhaul, not just a tactics guide.
Budget is tight and you want to spend once. At around $47 with a 60-day guarantee, What Men Secretly Want is a complete program in itself. It is not a “lite version” of His Secret Obsession — it is a standalone program with its own complete framework. If budget is genuinely a constraint, you will get real value from What Men Secretly Want alone.
You have already bought His Secret Obsession. In this case, What Men Secretly Want gives you the conceptual layer that HSO assumes but does not fully explain. Reading WMSW after HSO often produces “aha” moments where the Hero Instinct techniques suddenly make deeper sense. For more on how WMSW works in practice, see does What Men Secretly Want work.
When to Choose His Secret Obsession
His Secret Obsession is the right choice first in these situations:
You want something to do right now, not just something to understand. His Secret Obsession’s scripted phrases and secret signals give you specific, actionable tools you can deploy in the next conversation, the next text message, the next interaction. For women who feel urgency — a man is pulling away, a relationship is at a tipping point — the tactical specificity of HSO is more immediately useful.
You are trying to reconnect with an ex. His Secret Obsession includes a dedicated Ex-Back Signal module, which What Men Secretly Want does not. While neither program is a pure ex-back system, HSO is meaningfully more targeted for reconnection scenarios. If this is your situation, also consider reading does His Secret Obsession work to understand what realistic outcomes look like.
You are dealing with significant emotional withdrawal. When a man has already become distant, the Respect Principle gives you an important framework for why it happened — but His Secret Obsession’s specific activation techniques are better suited to reversing withdrawal once it is already in motion. The Hero Instinct signals are designed precisely for that dynamic.
You want the most comprehensive program between the two. His Secret Obsession is the larger, more developed program — 217 pages versus 137, with a full audiobook, workbook, and more bonus modules. If you want the fullest version of James Bauer’s thinking in a single purchase, HSO is it.
Your man is established and committed but emotionally flat. Long-term relationship drift — where a man is loyal but disconnected, present but not engaged — responds particularly well to the Hero Instinct framework. Men in long-term relationships can lose their sense of purpose and meaning within the relationship. HSO’s framework speaks to exactly that dynamic.
For the HSO-primary comparison angle, see our article on His Secret Obsession vs What Men Secretly Want.
Can You Use Both? — How They Work Together
Yes — and for women who are serious about understanding male psychology at a deep level, using both programs together is genuinely worth considering.
Here is how I would sequence them:
Option 1 — Start with What Men Secretly Want, add His Secret Obsession later. This is the conceptually cleanest approach. You build the foundational understanding of the Respect Principle first. You start shifting your communication patterns and see how your man responds. Then, when you want to add the tactical layer — the specific Hero Instinct activation tools — you bring in His Secret Obsession and the scripted signals slot into a framework you already understand. Many women find that learning in this order produces the deepest, most sustainable results.
Option 2 — Start with His Secret Obsession, add What Men Secretly Want for depth. If your situation is urgent, it makes sense to start with HSO for the immediately actionable tools. Many women who start this way come back to What Men Secretly Want later and find that it fills in explanatory gaps — the “why is this working?” question that HSO does not always answer fully. This is also a valid path.
What they cover together: Used in combination, these two programs address a comprehensive range of what men need psychologically in relationships — the day-to-day communication layer (Respect Principle), the deep activation layer (Hero Instinct), the early-attraction phase, the long-term commitment phase, and reconnection scenarios. Between them, they represent most of what James Bauer has developed in years of research and coaching practice.
Both programs cost around $47 and both have 60-day guarantees, so the total investment for both is roughly $94 with full refund protection if you are not satisfied.
If you want to understand the full picture of what men look for beyond these two frameworks, also read our guides on what do men want in a woman and what men want in a relationship.
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Our Pick — Which One Is Better Overall?
This is the honest verdict.
For most women, in most situations, His Secret Obsession is the stronger standalone program. Its ClickBank gravity of approximately 54.8 versus What Men Secretly Want’s approximately 10.8 is not an accident — it reflects five-plus years of consistent buyer demand, a more comprehensive content library, and a higher rate of satisfied customers driving word of mouth. The Hero Instinct framework is also, frankly, a more immediately actionable concept for most women — the scripted phrases and specific signal techniques translate faster into visible changes in a man’s behavior.
However — and this is important — What Men Secretly Want is the better conceptual foundation. It answers a question that many women carry for years without a satisfying answer: why do men consistently respond better to feeling respected than to receiving expressions of love? The Respect Principle is not complicated, but it is counterintuitive for many women who were taught that emotional expressiveness is the key to connection. Understanding it changes the frame through which you see all male behavior, not just in one relationship but across your relational life.
My practical recommendation:
- If you can only choose one program right now, and your situation is in any way urgent — a man pulling away, a relationship at a crossroads, an ex you want to reconnect with — start with His Secret Obsession. It has the more comprehensive toolkit and the more actionable tactical layer.
- If you are earlier in your relationship journey, not facing an immediate crisis, and you want a genuinely solid foundation in male psychology before layering on tactics — start with What Men Secretly Want. It is the cleaner conceptual starting point.
- If you want to understand the full landscape of what these two programs offer from the HSO perspective, our companion article covers the comparison from His Secret Obsession’s side.
Neither program is a shortcut or a manipulation system. Both teach you to connect with men in ways that meet their actual psychological needs — which is, ultimately, both more effective and more respectful than trying to “trick” someone into a relationship. You can also explore additional perspectives from real users in our piece on what men find attractive in women and our guide on how to get a man to commit.
FAQ
What Men Secretly Want vs His Secret Obsession: which is better?
Both programs are by James Bauer and are well-made. His Secret Obsession (Hero Instinct framework) tends to be the better starting point for most women because of its broader application — it works for attraction, commitment, and reversing emotional withdrawal. What Men Secretly Want (Respect Principle) is an excellent complement that deepens the communication foundation. If you can only choose one, start with His Secret Obsession.
What is the difference between What Men Secretly Want and His Secret Obsession?
What Men Secretly Want focuses on the Respect Principle — the idea that men’s deepest emotional need is to feel genuinely respected and admired. His Secret Obsession focuses on the Hero Instinct — men’s drive to feel needed and like a protector. They address adjacent needs and work well together, but approach the problem from different angles.
Are What Men Secretly Want and His Secret Obsession by the same author?
Yes. Both programs are created by James Bauer, a relationship coach who has spent years studying male psychology and attraction. His Secret Obsession came after What Men Secretly Want and expanded on the framework with a different central concept.
Can I buy both What Men Secretly Want and His Secret Obsession?
Yes, and many women find them complementary. What Men Secretly Want gives you the Respect Principle foundation; His Secret Obsession adds the Hero Instinct layer. Together they cover a comprehensive range of male psychological needs. Both are priced around $47 with 60-day money-back guarantees.
Which is better for getting an ex back?
His Secret Obsession is generally more targeted for reconnection scenarios because of the specific phrases and communication scripts it provides. What Men Secretly Want offers valuable context on why the connection may have deteriorated, but HSO has more tactical tools for re-engagement.
Which is better for a new relationship?
Both work well in new relationships. What Men Secretly Want helps you understand what men fundamentally need from day one, preventing common patterns that cause men to pull away. His Secret Obsession adds specific attraction-amplifying tools. Start with What Men Secretly Want for the conceptual foundation.
Educational information only. Lovewise provides general educational information about dating and relationships. It is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or mental-health care. If you are experiencing a relationship crisis, emotional distress, or domestic abuse, please contact a licensed counselor, therapist, or a support helpline.
By Jenna Hart — Certified Relationship Coach.