You have found the program. You have read through the sales page, maybe watched the video, and you are sitting here with the same entirely reasonable question: does What Men Secretly Want actually produce results, or is it just another cleverly packaged set of advice that sounds convincing but changes nothing in your real relationship?
That is the right question. And it deserves a straight answer, not a breathless endorsement from someone who gets paid whether the program works for you or not.
I am a certified relationship coach. Over the years I have worked with women across a wide range of relationship situations — the woman whose partner keeps pulling away, the woman stuck in an almost-relationship that won’t move forward, the woman who genuinely loves a man but cannot seem to get him to open up. The Respect Principle that sits at the core of What Men Secretly Want is something I have seen play out in real dynamics, in real conversations, with real couples. Not as a magic fix — but as a legitimate lens for understanding something that is genuinely misunderstood.
My verdict on whether What Men Secretly Want works is more nuanced than most reviews give you, and that nuance is worth your time. Here is what I found.
TL;DR — Does What Men Secretly Want Work?
| Short answer | Yes — for the right situation and with genuine application |
| Who it works best for | Women in established relationships or serious dating where emotional distance is the core issue |
| Core mechanism | The Respect Principle — meeting a man’s deep need to feel genuinely admired and respected |
| Realistic timeline | Subtle shifts in 2–4 weeks; deeper commitment changes in 1–3 months |
| Guarantee | 60-day, 100% money-back guarantee |
| Our rating | 4.2 / 5 for women in the right situation |
Does What Men Secretly Want Work? The Short Answer
Yes — with a critical qualifier. What Men Secretly Want works when two conditions are met: when the emotional disconnect in a relationship is rooted in an unmet need for respect and admiration, and when the woman applying the framework does so authentically and consistently rather than mechanically.
That qualifier matters. No relationship program works as a set of tricks you perform on someone. What Men Secretly Want is not asking you to pretend, manipulate, or fake admiration you do not feel. What it is asking is that you develop a deeper understanding of how men actually experience emotional connection — specifically, the way in which men interpret genuine respect as the primary channel through which they feel loved — and then let that understanding change the way you naturally communicate.
When that shift happens authentically, the results are real. Men who previously seemed emotionally closed off or distant tend to become noticeably more engaged, more open, and more eager to invest in the relationship. That is not a promise — it is a pattern that shows up repeatedly when the framework is applied with genuine intention.
When it does not work is equally informative: when the program is read once and not applied, when a woman expects a quick fix with no behavioral change on her part, or when the underlying issue in the relationship goes deeper than communication — into incompatibility, serious trust violations, or mental health territory that needs professional support.
What Men Secretly Want — What the Program Actually Teaches
Before evaluating whether the program works, it helps to be precise about what it actually is.
What Men Secretly Want is a digital relationship guide created by James Bauer, a relationship coach who built his reputation through years of private consultations with women navigating the emotional complexities of dating and long-term relationships. The program comes as a 137-page PDF guide accompanied by an MP3 audio version and bonus materials — making it accessible whether you prefer reading or listening.
The program is organized into nine chapters, each building on a central thesis. Here is the structural arc:
Chapter 1 introduces the Respect Principle itself — the foundational concept that men’s deepest emotional need is not love in the way women typically think of love, but respect: feeling genuinely admired, capable, and adequate in the eyes of the woman they are with.
Chapters 2 and 3 translate the principle into practical application. Chapter 2 focuses on the small, specific things a woman can do daily to make a man feel more respected without it feeling performative. Chapter 3 addresses the specific pattern of a man pulling away — and how understanding the Respect Principle reframes what is actually happening when that occurs.
Chapters 4 through 8 go deeper into the emotional landscape of men: what men actually want from a relationship beyond sex and companionship, how men process emotional needs differently than women, why men shut down or withdraw during conflict, and what it means when a man truly commits versus when he is going through the motions.
Chapter 9 addresses practical guidance on where not to look for a relationship partner — an often-overlooked but practical chapter focused on helping women invest their emotional energy wisely.
Bonus materials include “The Art of Intrigue” — a guide to being genuinely interesting and engaging to the specific man in your life — and “The Active Ingredients of Love,” which examines what actually creates deep emotional bonding in long-term relationships.
The total investment in the program is approximately $47 as a one-time purchase, backed by a 60-day money-back guarantee through ClickBank. You can read our full What Men Secretly Want review for a deeper breakdown of each module.
The Respect Principle — The Psychology Behind the Program
This is where I want to spend real time, because the Respect Principle is either the most important thing you will ever learn about men or it is a clever marketing angle dressed up as psychology. Let me tell you which one it actually is.
The idea that men have a fundamentally different emotional need than women — and that respect is central to how men experience love — is not James Bauer’s invention. It is supported by multiple streams of research in relationship psychology.
The Feldhahn Research
The most directly relevant study was conducted by researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn, whose survey of hundreds of men produced a striking result: when asked whether they would rather feel unloved or disrespected by the woman in their life, the majority of men chose feeling unloved. In other words, most men in her research would rather endure emotional distance and a lack of affection than endure feeling looked down on, inadequate, or disrespected by their partner. This finding — counterintuitive to many women — is the empirical foundation on which the Respect Principle rests.
This does not mean men do not want love or affection. It means their primary emotional channel is different. For most women, feeling loved and cherished is the emotional signal that a relationship is safe and good. For most men, feeling respected and genuinely admired by the woman they are with serves that same function. When that signal is absent — even in a relationship full of genuine love — many men experience a deep, often unspoken sense of inadequacy that drives the withdrawal behavior so many women find confusing.
Gottman’s Research on Respect and Contempt
Dr. John Gottman’s decades of research on what predicts relationship success and failure adds a powerful complementary layer. Gottman identified contempt — the opposite of respect — as the single greatest predictor of relationship breakdown. In Gottman’s research, couples who show contempt toward each other (through eye-rolling, dismissiveness, belittling, or condescension) are significantly more likely to separate. Importantly, he also identified what he called “fondness and admiration” as two of the most crucial elements in long-lasting relationships — not just love, but genuine respect for who the other person is.
This maps directly onto the Respect Principle. When a woman genuinely admires a man — not performatively, but because she actually sees and appreciates his strengths — that admiration functions as a relational signal that meets a fundamental emotional need. Gottman’s research would predict exactly what James Bauer’s framework also predicts: that genuine respect and admiration from a partner activates emotional investment and commitment in men.
Why This Feels Unfamiliar to Many Women
Here is the practical piece that the program does a good job of articulating: most women naturally communicate love through words of affirmation tied to emotional closeness and affection — “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I need you.” These are real and beautiful forms of connection. But they do not land as the primary emotional signal for most men. A man who does not feel respected by you can receive all the love and affection in the world and still feel something essential is missing.
The gap between how women give love and what men most need to receive is where most relationship friction lives. What Men Secretly Want is, at its core, a guide for closing that gap. That makes it worth taking seriously — not as a trick, but as a genuine communication upgrade.
Does What Men Secretly Want Work? — The Evidence
The evidence for whether the Respect Principle framework produces real results breaks down into two categories: the psychological research that supports the underlying concept, and the behavioral patterns reported by women who have applied it.
Psychological Support
As noted above, the Respect Principle is grounded in real research. Feldhahn’s survey findings, Gottman’s contempt-and-admiration research, and broader evolutionary psychology literature all point to the same pattern: men have a deep need to feel capable, respected, and genuinely admired by the women they are closest to. When that need is reliably met, men become more emotionally present, more willing to be vulnerable, and more deeply invested in the relationship. When it is chronically unmet, men tend to withdraw, shut down, or become increasingly focused on external validation.
This is not controversial in relationship science. What James Bauer’s program does is take this research and translate it into specific, actionable communication choices that any woman can make.
Behavioral Patterns from Application
The pattern that shows up most consistently in buyer feedback is this: women who apply the Respect Principle at specific, high-stakes moments — when a man is pulling away, when a conflict has just occurred, when he seems closed off — tend to see the most noticeable and rapid shifts. The program is particularly effective at addressing the “he suddenly went cold” phenomenon that is one of the most common and distressing experiences women in dating and early-relationship stages report.
Women who apply the framework report that men who previously seemed emotionally distant or ambivalent become noticeably warmer and more engaged — often within days to weeks of consistent application. The shift is typically described not as a man doing something dramatic, but as a gradual opening up: more initiation, more genuine sharing, more visible investment in the relationship.
The second consistent pattern is that application has to be genuine. Women who try to use the program as a script — following the instructions mechanically without actually shifting their internal orientation toward respect and admiration — report fewer results. This is important: the Respect Principle works through authentic communication, not performance. If you genuinely do not respect the man you are with, the program cannot manufacture that. But if the respect is there and simply was not being expressed in the way he could receive it, the program can change that.
What Men Secretly Want Real Reviews — What Buyers Actually Report
The buyer feedback landscape for What Men Secretly Want follows a clear and consistent pattern that is worth mapping honestly.
What Positive Reviewers Consistently Say
Women who report strong results from What Men Secretly Want tend to share a few characteristics. They read the material actively — highlighting, taking notes, returning to specific sections. They applied the techniques during actual relationship moments rather than waiting for a “perfect” opportunity. And they gave the process time — typically two to four weeks of consistent application before evaluating results.
The specific outcomes they describe include: a man who had been pulling away becoming noticeably more attentive and communicative; a long-term partner who seemed checked out starting to initiate more and share more openly; a dating situation that had stalled beginning to move forward after the woman shifted how she expressed appreciation and admiration.
The common thread in these reports is not magic — it is a woman changing something specific about how she communicates, and that change producing a real response in a man who was not getting something he needed.
What Critical Reviewers Consistently Say
The most credible criticism of the program is that it requires more active engagement than many people expect from a digital download. Women who approach it like a book they read once and set aside tend to report that it did not produce much change. This is worth taking seriously — the program is a framework for behavioral change, not a passive read.
A secondary criticism is that the Respect Principle, while real and well-founded, is not the only dynamic that matters in relationships. There are situations where the problem between two people goes beyond communication style — compatibility issues, unprocessed emotional wounds from past relationships, or attachment patterns that need deeper therapeutic work. In those cases, What Men Secretly Want is not sufficient on its own, and any honest review should say so directly.
A third point that comes up: some women find the framing of “what he secretly wants” slightly uncomfortable, as though learning his needs is a tactic rather than just understanding a partner. This is more a marketing framing issue than a content problem — the actual material is genuinely about authentic communication, not about running psychological scripts.
Try It Risk-Free — 60-Day Guarantee →
The 60-day money-back guarantee means you can read the full program, apply the techniques in your own relationship, and decide whether it changed anything meaningful. If it did not, you get your money back in full. That structure makes it a low-risk decision.
Is What Men Secretly Want Worth It?
At approximately $47 as a one-time purchase, the question of value is relatively straightforward.
A single session with a professional relationship coach or couples therapist typically costs between $150 and $300. What Men Secretly Want delivers a comprehensive, research-grounded framework for understanding a specific and critical dimension of male emotional psychology — at roughly one-tenth the cost of one coaching hour.
The 60-day money-back guarantee through ClickBank is fully transferable: if you work through the program and genuinely do not find it useful or applicable to your situation, you request a refund and receive it. This removes the financial risk entirely.
For the specific use case — a woman who wants to understand why a man she cares about seems emotionally distant, is pulling away, or is not investing in the relationship the way she hoped — the value proposition is strong. The Respect Principle framework is not something you are likely to piece together on your own from generic relationship advice. It is a specific, counterintuitive insight about male emotional psychology that most women have genuinely not been taught, and it has real explanatory power for relationship patterns that otherwise feel baffling.
If you compare it to alternatives — generic relationship books, YouTube advice, or just waiting and hoping the dynamic changes on its own — What Men Secretly Want offers something more structured and more targeted. You can also compare it directly to James Bauer’s more advanced program: our article on does His Secret Obsession work covers how the Hero Instinct framework builds on what the Respect Principle begins. And our What Men Secretly Want vs His Secret Obsession comparison breaks down which program is right for your specific situation.
For women who want to understand what men want in a relationship at a foundational level before diving into a structured program, our awareness pillars cover that ground as well.
You can also read our full pricing and discount breakdown for the most current pricing information.
Our assessment: yes, it is worth it for the right person and the right situation. Read the next two sections to determine whether that is you.
Who Does What Men Secretly Want Work Best For?
This program is particularly well-suited to specific situations. Here is an honest breakdown of where it tends to produce the clearest results.
Women in established relationships where a man has become emotionally distant. This is the single most common situation the Respect Principle addresses directly. If a man you have been with for months or years seems checked out, less engaged, or increasingly focused on other things rather than the relationship — and there is no obvious external explanation — the communication gap the Respect Principle describes is often a significant contributing factor.
Women in dating situations that are not progressing. If you are in a situationship, a casual relationship, or an early dating stage where a man seems interested but is not moving toward commitment, the Respect Principle offers a specific lens for understanding what may be missing. Men who do not feel genuinely respected and admired by a woman rarely develop the deep desire to commit to her, even if they enjoy the connection.
Women who tend toward anxious communication patterns. This is a nuanced point, but worth naming: women who tend to communicate love through repeated reassurance-seeking (“do you love me?”, “are we okay?”, “are you sure you want this?”) often inadvertently communicate to a man that they do not trust him or believe in his adequacy. The Respect Principle gives a direct antidote to this pattern — not by suppressing genuine emotions, but by reorienting toward communication that expresses confidence in him rather than anxiety about the relationship.
Women who want to understand what men find attractive in women at a psychological level. The Respect Principle is foundational to genuine attraction — it is not about appearance or chemistry but about the emotional signal you send a man about how you see him.
Women who are committed to applying what they learn. The program rewards engagement. If you are the kind of person who does the reading, applies the material, and gives it honest time to work, the Respect Principle can genuinely change the dynamic in your relationship.
Who Should Skip It?
An honest assessment of What Men Secretly Want has to include the situations where it is not the right tool.
If you are in a relationship with serious trust violations that have not been addressed. The Respect Principle is a communication framework, not a repair mechanism for broken trust. If infidelity, serious lies, or significant boundary violations are part of the picture, a structured program about daily communication choices is not sufficient. A qualified couples therapist is the appropriate resource.
If you are experiencing emotional, psychological, or physical abuse. No relationship program is appropriate when safety is a concern. If the dynamic in your relationship involves any form of coercive control, intimidation, or abuse, the guidance you need is from a licensed professional or a crisis support service — not a self-help program. If this applies to you: please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or speak with a licensed therapist.
If the core issue is incompatibility. The Respect Principle works through authentic communication — which means it works best when two people are genuinely compatible and the problem is communication style, not fundamental incompatibility in values, life direction, or what each person wants from a relationship. If you are trying to make a man fall in love with you when the underlying compatibility is not there, no communication framework will manufacture that. Our guide on how to make a man fall in love with you covers this distinction in more depth.
If you want a passive read with no behavioral change required. What Men Secretly Want is not a book you read once and then expect your relationship to shift. It is a framework for changing how you communicate — which requires you to actually communicate differently. If that level of active application is not something you are willing to invest in right now, hold off.
If you are dealing with serious mental health concerns. Relationship programs are complementary to, not substitutes for, professional mental health support. If depression, anxiety, past trauma, or other mental health factors are significantly affecting you or your relationship, please prioritize professional support first.
What Affects Results — How to Get the Most Out of the Program
For women who decide to invest in What Men Secretly Want, how you engage with it determines whether it works. Here is what the evidence suggests separates women who see real results from those who do not.
Approach it as a framework, not a script. The biggest mistake is trying to memorize techniques and apply them mechanically. The Respect Principle is an insight about male psychology that, once genuinely understood, changes how you naturally communicate. You are not memorizing lines — you are developing a new lens. Read for understanding, not for scripts.
Apply the material during real moments. The Respect Principle works in live relationship interactions — during conversations, during conflict, during moments of connection. Women who read the program and then wait for the “right moment” to apply it tend to wait forever. Identify one or two small, concrete changes you can make in your next real interaction with the man in your life.
Stay consistent for at least three to four weeks. Relationship dynamics are not changed in a single conversation. What you are doing is gradually shifting a communication pattern — which means the man in your life needs enough repeated experiences of feeling genuinely respected by you before his emotional response begins to shift. Give it real time.
Be authentic, not performative. This is the most important point. If you are applying the Respect Principle from a place of genuine admiration and appreciation for the man you are with, it will land authentically. If you are performing respect as a tactic while feeling resentment or contempt underneath, he will sense that, and it will not produce the results the program describes. The program works because it taps into a real emotional need — and real emotional needs respond to authentic signals.
Pair it with our guide on how to get a man to commit if commitment is your specific goal. Understanding the Respect Principle is foundational, but commitment also involves other dynamics that the companion guide covers directly.
If emotional distance is the presenting issue, also read our article on signs he is emotionally unavailable. Sometimes emotional distance is communication-related and responds to the Respect Principle. Other times it reflects deeper patterns that need different approaches. Knowing which situation you are in matters.
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Does What Men Secretly Want Work vs His Secret Obsession?
Both programs are created by James Bauer, and understanding how they relate is useful for deciding which — if either — is right for your situation.
What Men Secretly Want is James Bauer’s foundational program. It introduces the Respect Principle as the central framework for understanding male emotional psychology. It is oriented toward women who want to understand why men behave the way they do — particularly why they pull away, why they seem less committed than their partner would like, and what communication changes tend to produce genuine shifts.
His Secret Obsession is Bauer’s more advanced program and builds on What Men Secretly Want’s foundation. It introduces the Hero Instinct — the concept that men have a deep psychological drive to feel needed, to feel like they have something valuable to contribute to the woman they care about. His Secret Obsession goes further into specific verbal and text-based communication techniques (the “secret signals”) designed to activate the Hero Instinct in specific moments.
In practical terms: What Men Secretly Want is the better starting point if you want to understand the foundational psychology of male emotional needs. His Secret Obsession is stronger if you want more specific, phrase-level techniques for activating those needs in targeted situations. Many women find it valuable to start with What Men Secretly Want and progress to His Secret Obsession as a second phase.
Our detailed His Secret Obsession review covers that program in full. Our What Men Secretly Want vs His Secret Obsession comparison lays out a direct side-by-side for women trying to choose between them.
For women who want a broader picture of how to make him obsessed with you from a healthy, communication-grounded perspective — rather than through coercive tactics — that guide covers the broader landscape.
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FAQ
Does What Men Secretly Want actually work?
For women who study the Respect Principle framework and genuinely shift how they communicate appreciation and admiration to a man, the program tends to produce real changes in a man’s engagement and emotional openness. Results depend on consistent, authentic application — it is not a script or quick fix, but a genuine shift in relational communication style.
Is What Men Secretly Want worth it?
For women who want to understand the emotional landscape of the specific man they are with — particularly why he may be pulling away or feeling distant — the program offers a framework that is both psychologically grounded and practically actionable. At approximately $47 with a 60-day money-back guarantee, the risk is low.
What is the Respect Principle in What Men Secretly Want?
The Respect Principle is James Bauer’s core concept: the idea that while women’s deepest emotional need tends to be feeling loved, men’s deepest emotional need is feeling genuinely respected and admired. When a woman activates this need — through specific communication choices — a man becomes more emotionally present, invested, and committed.
What do real buyers say about What Men Secretly Want?
Buyer feedback patterns show that women who apply the Respect Principle to specific communication moments — especially during conflict or after a man withdraws — tend to report the most noticeable shifts. Critics note that the program requires genuine behavioral change, not just reading — women who treat it as passive entertainment tend to report fewer results.
How long does it take for What Men Secretly Want to work?
Most women who apply the techniques report noticing subtle shifts in a man’s openness and engagement within the first two to four weeks of consistent application. Deeper changes in commitment patterns typically take one to three months of genuine, sustained practice.
Who does What Men Secretly Want work best for?
What Men Secretly Want works best for women in established relationships or dating situationships where a man seems emotionally distant or less committed than she would like. It is particularly effective when the disconnect stems from unmet needs for respect and admiration — which James Bauer argues is more common than most women realize.
Educational information only. Lovewise provides general educational information about dating and relationships. It is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or mental-health care. If you are in crisis or experiencing abuse, contact a licensed professional or a support hotline.
By Jenna Hart — Certified Relationship Coach.