If you have been comparing these two programs and trying to decide where to put your money, here is my honest verdict upfront: His Secret Obsession is the stronger program for most women, most of the time. It is James Bauer’s follow-up and more advanced work — it incorporates the foundational ideas from What Men Secretly Want and then takes them significantly further with a specific psychological framework and a library of scripted communication tools you can use immediately.
That said, the choice between these two programs is more nuanced than “one is better.” They come from the same creator, teach compatible psychological concepts, and serve different needs depending on where you are in your relationship and what kind of learner you are. This comparison will give you a complete, honest picture of both programs so you can make the right decision for your situation.
TL;DR — Key Takeaways
| His Secret Obsession | What Men Secretly Want | |
|---|---|---|
| Creator | James Bauer | James Bauer |
| Core Concept | Hero Instinct — men’s drive to feel needed and purposeful | Respect Principle — men’s need to feel genuinely respected |
| Format | Video series + PDF ebook + audio + bonuses | PDF ebook (137 pages) + MP3 audio |
| ClickBank Gravity | ~54.8 (exceptionally high) | ~10.8 |
| Price | ~$47 | ~$47 |
| Guarantee | 60-day ClickBank money-back | 60-day ClickBank money-back |
| Best For | Women who want specific, scripted tools to trigger commitment | Women who want to understand the foundational psychology of male emotional needs |
| Our Pick | Winner for most situations | Better as a supplement or entry point |
Ready to explore His Secret Obsession for yourself? Try His Secret Obsession Risk-Free → Backed by ClickBank’s full 60-day money-back guarantee.
His Secret Obsession vs What Men Secretly Want — At a Glance
Before diving into the detailed comparison, here is a structured side-by-side breakdown of the two programs across the dimensions that matter most to a buyer:
| Category | His Secret Obsession | What Men Secretly Want |
|---|---|---|
| Creator | James Bauer | James Bauer |
| Program type | Advanced / follow-up program | Foundational / introductory program |
| Core framework | The Hero Instinct | The Respect Principle |
| Main delivery | Video + PDF ebook + audio | PDF ebook + MP3 audio |
| Page count | 200+ pages + 17 modules | ~137 pages |
| ClickBank gravity | ~54.8 | ~10.8 |
| Standard price | ~$47 | ~$47 |
| Guarantee | 60-day full refund via ClickBank | 60-day full refund via ClickBank |
| Specific scripted phrases | Yes — “secret signals” library | No — primarily conceptual |
| Ex-back content | Yes — dedicated module | Limited |
| Best for | Women wanting actionable techniques and a proven framework | Women wanting foundational understanding of male emotional psychology |
One important clarification before we go further: these two programs are not from competing creators. Both were built by James Bauer, a relationship coach and author who runs the “Be Irresistible” platform. What Men Secretly Want was his first major program; His Secret Obsession is the advanced work that followed it. Understanding this relationship between the two programs will help you see why comparing them is really a question of depth and format, not a competition between rival philosophies.
What Is His Secret Obsession?
His Secret Obsession is James Bauer’s flagship relationship program for women, built around a concept he calls the Hero Instinct. The core idea is that men have a deep, biological drive to feel needed — not just loved, but genuinely necessary and purposeful in the lives of the people they care about. When this drive is not activated, Bauer argues, men can feel emotionally disconnected and become less invested in a relationship over time, even if nothing is outwardly wrong.
The program is structured in two main parts across 17 modules. The first part explains what the Hero Instinct is, why it exists, and how it plays out in real relationships. This section is primarily educational — it helps you understand the psychology before applying it. The second part shifts into practical application through what Bauer calls “secret signals”: specific phrases, questions, and communication patterns that are designed to activate a man’s Hero Instinct in everyday interactions. Examples include the Glimpse Phrase, the I Owe You Signal, the Private Island Signal, the Damsel in Distress Signal, and an Ex-Back Signal for women navigating reconnection.
The format is comprehensive: a 200-plus-page PDF ebook, a video series, audio recordings, and several bonus modules including Hero Case Studies showing how other women applied the framework. James Bauer’s background is in relationship counseling and psychology research, and the program reflects that depth — it is not a collection of quick tips but a structured, layered system. His Secret Obsession carries a ClickBank gravity score of approximately 54.8 at the time of writing, which is one of the highest in the entire Marriage and Relationships category. For context, most solid programs sit between 5 and 20; a score above 50 indicates an exceptionally active and proven buyer base.
For our detailed breakdown of everything inside the program, read our full His Secret Obsession review.
What Is What Men Secretly Want?
What Men Secretly Want — also marketed under the title “Be Irresistible” — is James Bauer’s earlier and more foundational program. Where His Secret Obsession was built to go deep on a specific psychological mechanism, What Men Secretly Want takes a broader lens: it is designed to help women understand the underlying emotional architecture of how men experience relationships, with a particular emphasis on what Bauer calls the Respect Principle.
The Respect Principle holds that while women often prioritize feeling loved in a relationship, men are more fundamentally driven by feeling respected and genuinely admired by the woman they are with. This is not about surface-level politeness — Bauer is describing a deeper emotional need that, when unmet, causes many men to quietly withdraw, lose interest, or struggle to fully commit, even when they care about their partner. The program teaches women to recognize where this need shows up in everyday interactions and how to shift their communication accordingly.
In terms of format, What Men Secretly Want is primarily a 137-page PDF ebook with an accompanying MP3 audio version — so you can read it or listen to it, depending on your preference. It does not include a video series or the structured “secret signals” library that His Secret Obsession provides. The content is more conceptual and explanatory than technique-focused, which makes it an excellent foundation for understanding male psychology but means it requires more personal translation into day-to-day application. The program is also sold through ClickBank at approximately the same price point (~$47) and carries the same 60-day money-back guarantee.
Core Framework Comparison — Hero Instinct vs. Respect Principle
Understanding the psychological frameworks at the center of each program is the most important part of this comparison, because it is the main thing that will tell you which one is right for where you are right now.
The Respect Principle (What Men Secretly Want)
The Respect Principle is James Bauer’s foundational insight: that men’s most important emotional need in a relationship is not love (in the way women typically experience it), but respect — feeling that the woman they are with genuinely values, admires, and trusts them. Bauer argues that many relationship problems between women and men stem from a mismatch in how each partner experiences emotional needs: women communicate love by nurturing; men feel connected when they feel respected.
This framework is primarily diagnostic. It helps you see relationship dynamics through a new lens — to understand why a man pulls back, why certain conversations create defensiveness, and why a partner who is clearly loved can still feel emotionally distant. It is a powerful mindset shift, and many women report that reading What Men Secretly Want completely changed how they interpret their partner’s behavior.
The Hero Instinct (His Secret Obsession)
The Hero Instinct is James Bauer’s more specific and advanced concept. Where the Respect Principle describes a man’s emotional need (to feel respected), the Hero Instinct describes a motivational drive (to feel purposeful, needed, and heroic to the person who matters most to him). Bauer positions this as a near-biological imperative — a drive comparable in power and consistency to hunger or the need for social belonging.
The Hero Instinct framework is both explanatory and prescriptive. It tells you why men behave the way they do at a deeper level, and it gives you a specific library of communication tools — the “secret signals” — to activate that drive intentionally. This is the key distinction: His Secret Obsession does not just explain male psychology; it gives you scripted phrases and actionable techniques to apply in real conversations.
Where the Two Frameworks Overlap — and Where They Diverge
The frameworks are genuinely compatible — they address the same underlying territory from slightly different angles. A man who feels deeply respected (Respect Principle) is a man whose sense of value and purpose in the relationship is being honored. A man whose Hero Instinct has been activated (His Secret Obsession) is experiencing a heightened version of that same sense of value and purpose.
The divergence is in depth and application. The Respect Principle is broader and more conceptual; the Hero Instinct is more specific and actionable. If the Respect Principle answers the question “What do men need to feel good in a relationship?”, the Hero Instinct answers “How do I consistently give him that feeling using specific communication techniques?”
For women who want to understand the why before the how, What Men Secretly Want is a useful starting point. For women who want to go straight to practical, tested tools, His Secret Obsession delivers more.
Format and Delivery Comparison
Format matters more than many buyers realize, because even the best program fails to deliver if you do not engage with it in a way that works for your learning style.
His Secret Obsession — Multi-Format, Layered Delivery
His Secret Obsession delivers content across multiple formats: a 200-plus-page PDF ebook, a video series, audio recordings, and bonus materials. The video component is notable — James Bauer walks through the key concepts in a conversational style that many women find easier to absorb than dense reading. The structured module format (17 modules in two parts) also makes the program easy to work through progressively rather than feeling overwhelmed by an undifferentiated block of text.
The bonus materials add practical value. Hero Case Studies walk through real-world application examples. The text message bonus content gives you immediately deployable tools for digital communication — a significant addition for women navigating early dating or reconnection via text. If you learn best through a combination of reading, listening, and watching, and if you want a structured curriculum rather than a book to read through once, His Secret Obsession’s multi-format approach is a genuine advantage.
What Men Secretly Want — PDF and Audio, Self-Paced
What Men Secretly Want is delivered primarily as a PDF ebook (approximately 137 pages) with an MP3 audio version. There is no video component. For women who prefer to read at their own pace — on a phone, tablet, or printed out — the ebook format is perfectly functional. The audio version makes it accessible during commutes or workouts.
The absence of video is neither a flaw nor a dealbreaker, but it does mean the learning experience is more self-directed. The program is conceptually rich but lighter on step-by-step scripted techniques, so the application work is more on you. If you are a strong reader who enjoys absorbing ideas and then applying them intuitively, you may find this format suits you well. If you prefer to be walked through specific techniques with examples and demonstrations, you will find His Secret Obsession’s multi-media format more useful.
Popularity and Proven Track Record
One of the most reliable signals available for evaluating digital relationship programs is ClickBank gravity — a dynamic score that reflects how many sellers have made sales of a given program in a recent rolling window. It is not a perfect metric, but it is the best publicly available proxy for how many buyers are actively purchasing and presumably finding enough value to not refund.
His Secret Obsession has a ClickBank gravity of approximately 54.8 — one of the highest scores in the entire Marriage and Relationships category. To calibrate that number: most legitimate programs in this space score between 5 and 20. A score above 50 indicates an exceptionally large and active buyer base. His Secret Obsession has maintained a high gravity score consistently over several years, which means it is not a flash-in-the-pan success but a durable, proven program.
What Men Secretly Want carries a gravity of approximately 10.8 — a solid score that indicates a legitimate, active program with a real buyer base. It is not a niche product with marginal interest. But the gap between 10.8 and 54.8 is meaningful: it suggests that His Secret Obsession is reaching and satisfying considerably more buyers per unit of time. Part of this is simply the fact that HSO is the newer, more advanced program that has benefited from Bauer’s larger audience and from years of refining the sales and delivery. But it also reflects genuine buyer preference for the Hero Instinct framework and the multi-format delivery.
For a deeper look at the legitimacy signals and buyer evidence behind HSO specifically, see our His Secret Obsession scam investigation and our article on does His Secret Obsession actually work.
Want to see HSO’s full approach before deciding? Try His Secret Obsession Risk-Free → Explore What Men Secretly Want → Both carry ClickBank’s standard 60-day money-back guarantee.
His Secret Obsession vs What Men Secretly Want — Who Should Choose Which?
Here is the practical breakdown based on the situations I see most often in coaching conversations.
Choose His Secret Obsession if…
- You want immediately usable techniques. The secret signals library gives you specific phrases and communication patterns you can try in real conversations right away — not general principles that require you to work out your own application.
- You are a multi-format learner. If you absorb ideas best through a combination of video, reading, and audio rather than a single ebook, HSO’s layered delivery will serve you much better.
- Your situation involves a man who seems emotionally distant or non-committal. The Hero Instinct framework addresses this directly — it identifies why that emotional gap happens and gives you specific tools to close it.
- You want to understand how to make him obsessed with you in the sense of building a deep, lasting emotional connection. HSO’s framework is specifically designed for sustained attraction and commitment, not just initial interest.
- You are navigating reconnection with an ex. His Secret Obsession includes a dedicated Ex-Back Signal module.
- You want the program with the strongest proven track record. A ClickBank gravity of 54.8 is a meaningful signal of buyer volume and sustained satisfaction.
- You are on a budget and can only choose one program. HSO incorporates the foundational Respect Principle concepts alongside the more advanced Hero Instinct material — you are getting the depth of both in a single program.
For a full breakdown of His Secret Obsession’s pricing and current discounts, see our dedicated pricing article.
Choose What Men Secretly Want if…
- You prefer reading over watching. If video-based learning is not your style and you would rather work through a focused, well-written ebook at your own pace, WMSW’s format is cleaner and simpler.
- You want to start with foundational principles before techniques. Some women find it more valuable to deeply understand why men behave the way they do before trying to apply specific scripts. WMSW is an excellent conceptual foundation.
- You are in a stable, functional relationship and want to understand your partner better rather than urgently needing to trigger attraction. The Respect Principle framework is particularly useful for improving day-to-day relational communication with a man who is already invested.
- Budget is extremely tight and you want the lighter, simpler option. At a similar price point, WMSW is a shorter program with a smaller scope — which can feel less overwhelming if you are new to this type of content.
- You want to study both programs and prefer to start with James Bauer’s foundational work before moving to His Secret Obsession.
It is worth noting that some women read What Men Secretly Want first and then move on to His Secret Obsession — this is a completely valid approach. The programs are complementary by design.
Our Pick — Which Program Wins?
For most women, most of the time, His Secret Obsession is the stronger investment.
Here is the honest reasoning behind that verdict:
First, it is the more complete program. It covers everything What Men Secretly Want covers — the foundational insight that men need to feel respected and valued — and goes significantly further with the Hero Instinct framework and the scripted secret signals library. You are not trading one program’s content for another; you are getting a superset.
Second, the multi-format delivery genuinely matters for long-term engagement. Programs that combine video, audio, and reading tend to produce better outcomes because they accommodate different learning states and make it easier to revisit key concepts. The bonus materials, particularly the Hero Case Studies and the text message content, add practical value that a single ebook simply cannot replicate.
Third, the ClickBank gravity of 54.8 is a real, meaningful signal. It reflects years of sustained buyer volume and satisfaction across a diverse group of women in very different relationship situations. That consistency is evidence that the framework is genuinely useful across a wide range of contexts — not just for a specific niche audience.
The one situation where What Men Secretly Want may genuinely be the right starting point is if you are a strong reader who prefers conceptual depth over scripted tools, you are not in an urgent or difficult relationship situation, and you specifically want to understand the foundational male psychology before applying techniques. In that case, WMSW is a thoughtful, well-written introduction to James Bauer’s ideas.
But for most of the women I work with in coaching — women who want clarity on what to do, how to do it, and who want to see results in a real relationship — His Secret Obsession delivers more. The Hero Instinct framework is specific enough to be actionable, the secret signals are concrete enough to use immediately, and the overall program is comprehensive enough to sustain real behavioral change over time.
One final point worth making: these programs are about understanding and communication, not manipulation. The Hero Instinct and the Respect Principle both work because they identify something genuine about how men experience emotional needs in relationships. When you learn to communicate in ways that meet those needs, you are not running a script on someone — you are learning to speak a relational language that creates a more honest and connected dynamic. That is what makes these frameworks worth taking seriously.
If you are still exploring the broader landscape of what men want in a relationship before committing to a specific program, our educational guides can help you build a foundation first. And if you are weighing other programs in this space, our reviews of the Guy Magnet System, Friends With Benefits system, and 900 Seductive Texts give you additional context for how HSO compares across the wider category.
Ready to try the program that wins this comparison?
Try His Secret Obsession Risk-Free → Backed by ClickBank’s full 60-day money-back guarantee. If it is not for you, you pay nothing.
Or if the Respect Principle framework resonates more with where you are right now:
Explore What Men Secretly Want → Also covered by ClickBank’s full 60-day money-back guarantee.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between His Secret Obsession and What Men Secretly Want?
Both programs were created by James Bauer. What Men Secretly Want (also marketed as “Be Irresistible”) is his foundational program, built around the Respect Principle — the idea that men’s deepest relational need is to feel genuinely respected and admired. His Secret Obsession is his follow-up, advanced program that introduces the Hero Instinct concept — a deeper psychological drive in men to feel needed, purposeful, and heroic in the eyes of the woman they love. HSO adds specific scripted “secret signal” phrases and techniques on top of the core framework.
Which program has more buyers — His Secret Obsession or What Men Secretly Want?
His Secret Obsession has significantly more buyers, as evidenced by its ClickBank gravity score of 54.8 versus approximately 10.8 for What Men Secretly Want. A higher gravity means more buyers are actively purchasing the program in any given period. His Secret Obsession is one of the highest-gravity programs in the Marriage and Relationships category on ClickBank.
Do both programs have a refund guarantee?
Yes. Both His Secret Obsession and What Men Secretly Want are sold through ClickBank and come with ClickBank’s standard 60-day money-back guarantee. You can request a full refund within 60 days for any reason, no questions asked.
Can I buy both His Secret Obsession and What Men Secretly Want?
Yes, and some women find genuine value in studying both programs since they approach male psychology from complementary angles. The Respect Principle gives you the foundational “why” behind male emotional needs, and the Hero Instinct gives you the “how” with specific scripted signals and techniques. If budget is a concern, start with His Secret Obsession — it builds on and incorporates the foundational concepts from What Men Secretly Want, giving you both in a single program.
Which program is better for getting an ex back?
Both programs include content applicable to reconnecting with an ex. His Secret Obsession includes a specific Ex-Back Signal module as part of its secret signals framework, making it more directly actionable for that goal. What Men Secretly Want’s Respect Principle is also relevant to repair situations but offers less targeted ex-back guidance. Neither program is specifically designed as a dedicated ex-back system — for that purpose, consider exploring The Ex Factor Guide.
Is His Secret Obsession or What Men Secretly Want better for marriage?
Both programs apply strongly to long-term relationships and marriage. His Secret Obsession’s Hero Instinct concept has particular relevance in long-term partnerships where men can feel their sense of purpose or contribution to the relationship has faded over time. What Men Secretly Want’s Respect Principle is foundational to the day-to-day communication patterns that sustain healthy marriages. Your choice depends on which framework resonates more with your current situation and which format suits your learning style.
Educational information only. Lovewise provides general educational information about dating and relationships. It is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or mental-health care.
By Jenna Hart — Certified Relationship Coach.